Author: Tim Dees
Nobody likes getting stopped by the police. That doesn’t mean the experience has to be a complete waste of time.
The following tips hail from the collected wisdom of tweekers, potheads, scofflaws, sovereign citizens, drunk drivers and other chronic violators as having produced the greatest personal rewards for them during their interfaces with law enforcement.
- Before anything to do with the stop has commenced, ensure that you never throw anything away. Store it all inside the passenger compartment of your car, in the greatest disarray possible. When you polish off that bottle of Crown Royal, that can of Pringles, or finally complete your reading of Dostoevsky’s collected works, just toss the remains on the floor. You get extra points if there’s a puppy or a small child down there somewhere. Don’t pull over when the officer turns on his emergency lights. Drive around for a while, because no one is going to tell you what to do. When you do pull over, wait until the officer is out of his car and walking up to your car, then drive away. Show the officer you’re just full of merriment and whimsy. Do this a couple of times before you stop for good. Keep all the interior lights in your car turned off. Likewise, keep all your car windows rolled up. Immediately start rummaging through your pockets, glove compartment, center console and other areas capable of concealing weapons. Initiate a call on your cell phone, and refuse to be interrupted by the pesky police officer. Additionally, or in the alternative, begin recording the encounter on your phone, and announce in an intimidating tone that you are doing so. No one has ever thought of doing this before, and the officer will be impressed with your creativity. When you’re asked for your driver’s license, registration and proof of insurance, hand the officer a sheaf of papers you printed from the internet, and tell him you don’t need a driver’s license because you weren’t driving, you were traveling. Demand to know the officer’s name and badge number. When he tells you, demand the same information again, several times. Alternate your demands for the officer’s identifying information with insistence that a supervisor be called to the scene. When one gets there, demand to see his or her supervisor. Eventually, you’ll get the U.S. Attorney General or the director of the FBI out there. Grab a selfie. Refuse to get out of the car when the officer asks you to do so. If the officer does manage to get you out of the car, refuse to allow him to see your hands. Jam them into your pockets or inside your coat or waistband. Run from the scene. This is especially encouraged if the officer has a dog working with him. When the police catch up to you, ignore their orders. Clasp your hands in front of your chest and refuse to put them behind your back. It’s not a real arrest until you’ve heard, “TASER, TASER, TASER!” As you are being led back to the patrol vehicles, proclaim loudly how innocent you are, and how you will sue the officer and his employer for millions. If you’re feeling really frisky, threaten the lives of the officer and his or her family. Spit on all the officers present. This will guarantee your place on all their Christmas card lists. You’ll love the chic headgear the police provide to people who do this. When contraband is found on your person, loudly protest that the pants, shirt, underwear, etc. you are wearing isn’t yours. If the material is found in a body cavity, disown that portion of your anatomy.
Of course, before you even get into your car, ensure that all of your supplies of illegal drugs and drug paraphernalia, stolen property, unlawful firearms, open bottles of liquor, and fraudulent documents are all stored in the car. Only sissies leave that stuff at home.
Following all these steps will ensure maximum fun for all participants. If you get really lucky, your stop will make it onto one of those “greatest hits” episodes of “LIVE PD” or “COPS,” and you’ll be a star. Maybe they’ll even let you watch it in jail.